Loving relationships are
the most important factor in a man’s happiness, success, and ability to live a
fully flourishing life.
And one of the most
important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships
is communication.
Unfortunately, how to
communicate with one’s significant other in a healthy, positive way is
something rarely taught to either men or women. As a result, many couples find
that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that
ultimately damage their relationship. Angry fighting leads to distance and
weakens intimacy. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust.
This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation,
which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together.
What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original
issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what you’re even yelling about, and
nothing gets resolved.
In contrast, couples who
know how to discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip
problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. The
key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call
“clean communication.” Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter
referred to as MFP) define clean communication as “taking responsibility for
the impact of what you say.” By being more intentional about their
communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds one’s partner and
creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and
respectfully work through their differences.
What are the principles of
clean communication? MFP lay out 10 “commandments” to follow when you’re
talking with your significant other. While the focus of this post is
communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal
interactions in all areas of your life.
The 10 Commandments of Clean
Communication
1. Avoid judgment words and loaded
terms.
▪
“You’re acting so childish
right now.”
▪
“Oh boo-hoo. I’m tired of
your perpetual ‘poor me’ attitude.”
▪
“Maybe if you were more of
a man, you’d be able to handle this.”
▪
“You’d probably feel
better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it.”
When you’re having a
heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a
real zinger at them – to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and
push their buttons. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down
their worth. They accomplish this mission – but at the expense of trust and
intimacy.
2. Avoid “global” labels.
There are two ways to
criticize someone – you can critique their character or their behavior.
In criticizing behavior, you’re calling out something specific and temporary
– something the person can realistically change. But in assailing someone’s
very identity, you’re issuing a global label – a blanket condemnation of who
they are at the core; they don’t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person.
Global labels can feel
highly satisfying to hurl at someone when you’re angry and can seem completely
justifiable at the time. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also
essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple:
“We wouldn’t have this problem if you weren’t so selfish.”
But blanket condemnations
of your partner’s character are anathema to a loving relationship. They will
make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of
communication. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless – if the
problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem
impossible to them. They’re liable to answer: “I’m sorry, but this is the
way I am!” Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any
responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel
unable and unwilling to do anything about it either…not a recipe for effective
conflict resolution!
Here are some examples of
global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior
instead of character:
▪
“You’re so
self-centered and only care about yourself.” →
“In forgetting my birthday, I felt like you didn’t think about my feelings.”
▪
“You’re such a bitch.”→
“Questioning my masculinity is a low-blow. I’d like to try to talk to you
without the name-calling.”
▪
“You’re always so
helpless.” → “I know you’re having trouble figuring out how to download that
app, but right now I need to finish this paper. If you still can’t get it, I
promise to help you tonight.”
3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and
accusation.
As MFP put it, “the
essence of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain and you did it to me.’
And there’s usually this subtext: ‘You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.’”
When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost
entirely, to blame. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will
instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue
together impossible. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend your significant
other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says
the same thing in a different way – couching your message so that it actually
has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain.
To do this, you want to
swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize “I” – how
you feel when your partner does certain things. Here are some examples:
▪
“You always leave the
house such a mess.” → “When the house is so cluttered I end up feeling stressed out.”
▪
“Your moodiness is
ruining our relationship.” → “When I can’t predict
your moods, I’m not sure how to approach you, and I feel like that’s eroding
the intimacy in our relationship.”
▪
“You’re always late and
it’s driving me crazy.” → “I feel embarrassed when
we arrive late to events.”
4. Avoid old history.
▪
“You’re just being
ungrateful like always. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house
before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?”
▪
“You don’t trust me?
At least I’m not the one who cheated last year.”
▪
“It’s always the same
damned thing with you. You’re sorry about spending too much on the couch, just
like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for
spending so much on the dress for our wedding…”
When you’re addressing a
certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or
engaging in what my friend calls “closet-fighting” — i.e., reaching back into
the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current
accusations. When we closet-fight, MFP write, “The message is: ‘You’re bad,
you’re bad, you’re bad. You’ve always had this flaw, and it’s not getting any
better.'” While talking about your history together may be useful when
you’re both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are
heated, as “anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source
of enlightenment.”
Resurrecting old beefs will
ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in
a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Plus, your
partner will likely be hurt that you’re still holding onto something she
thought you’d forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship
isn’t progressing. It’s hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past;
instead, let sleeping dogs lie.
5. Avoid negative comparisons.
▪
“You’re so irrational,
just like your mom.”
▪
“None of my exes were ever
as clingy as you are.”
▪
“Why can’t you be more fun
like Derek’s girlfriend is?”
Being compared negatively
to someone else sure can sting. We oftentimes want to think we’ve evolved past
the flaws of our parents, so to hear “you’re just like your dad” feels like a
punch to the gut. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing
ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we don’t stack up to
them cuts at our sense of worth. Making negative comparisons also tells your
partner that you’ve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person
measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously.
6. Avoid threats.
▪
“If you’re going to act
like that, then I’m not going with you to your parents’ house this weekend.”
▪
“If you can’t get your act
together, then maybe we should get a divorce.”
▪
“If you don’t want to be
more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to
be.”
MFP write that “the basic
message of a threat is: you’re bad and I’m going to punish you.” It’s a way of
trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole
discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will
remain unresolved. If your partner complies, she’ll only be doing it to avoid
the consequences of your threat, and if she doesn’t, the argument is going to
escalate and/or keep reoccurring.
There is a place for
quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after you’ve
completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the
problem in a positive way. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way
to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into
compliance.
An “or else” statement
shouldn’t be thrown around, and it shouldn’t be punitive. That is, if your
partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs
yourself, but don’t do so in a way that’s specifically designed to punish your
partner. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your
significant other won’t budge on giving her blessing, you might say, “I’m going
to start spending every Saturday morning with them,” and then follow through on
that action. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like
deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do
something with your buddies.
Your partner may come to
accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your
relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers
the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesn’t guarantee it if
you just aren’t right for each other.
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.
Your demeanor can truly be
wielded like a weapon. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility,
adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love.
Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised
how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Instead,
do your best to keep your voice level and calm.
As you discuss what’s
bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. “In so
doing,” MFP write, “your partner can hear what you’re feeling without being overwhelmed
or bludgeoned by it.” Here are some examples:
▪
“I feel disrespected when
you make jokes at my expense when we’re out with your friends.”
▪
“I feel jealous when I see
you texting your ex.”
▪
“I feel hurt when you
ignore me when I come home from work.”
8. Keep body language open and
receptive.
Even more than what we
say, our body language conveys how we’re actually feeling. You may tell your
significant other that you’re not angry and are willing to talk things through,
but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly
pick up on it. They’ll also likely match your defensive stance, and the
discussion will get off to a rocky start.
To keep things amicable,
adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw,
squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated
way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off,
hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Create sincere, inviting body language
by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your
arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you’re listening.
9. Use whole messages.
Oftentimes, you may think
you’re getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is
a big miscommunication. They hear something much different than you intended.
What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of
it in our heads. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a
slice of that bigger picture – a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by
our partner.
To avoid this, strive to
deliver “whole messages” when speaking with your significant other. Whole
messages consist of 4 parts:
▪
Observations: “Observations are statements of fact that are neutral, without
judgments or inferences,” write MFP. “The house is a mess,” vs. “I’ve noticed
you’re a slob.”
▪
Thoughts: MFP describe this component as “your beliefs, opinions,
theories, and interpretations of a situation. Thoughts are not conveyed as
absolute truth but as your personal hypothesis or understanding of a situation.
‘My idea was…I wondered if…I suspected that…I worried that…The way I saw it
was…’”
▪
Feelings: Describe your feelings in a specific way that doesn’t blame
your partner. “I’m concerned about our budget,” vs. “Your spending is out of
control and really stressing me out.”
▪
Needs/Wants: Too often we expect our partner to be mind readers, but as MFP
note, “No one can know what you want unless you tell them.”
Here’s an example of a
whole message: “We haven’t been spending as much time together [Observation].
It seems like you’ve been busier, and I don’t know if that’s just because your
classes are hard this semester or you just haven’t been as interested in
hanging out [Thoughts]. I’ve been feeling distant from you and confused
about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. I’d like for us to be
more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our
relationship [Needs].”
10. Use clear messages.
Just as a partial message
can be misconstrued, so too can a “contaminated” message. This occurs when you
mix some of the 4 elements together or “mislabel” them in order to disguise
your real intent. Your partner might say, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting way
to do it,” when they really mean, “You’re doing it wrong.” Or for example, you
might say to your wife, “And here you are finally, late as usual.” You’re
pretending to make a straightforward observation, but you’re really mixing in
your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. It would be better to say, “I’ve been
waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I’m
left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you
could make more of an effort to be on time?”
MFP note that one
“effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question”:
▪
“Why didn’t you take out
the trash last night?”
▪
“Is there a reason all the
dishes have been left in the sink?”
▪
“Why don’t you take our
finances more seriously?
▪
“Do you really think
that’s a good idea?”
The questioner adopts the
posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the
answer and their feelings about it; they’re really just making an accusation
and showing their disapproval for their partner’s choice. To be honest, it
seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because they’re
often less comfortable being assertive.
Muddy messages create
distance and contention in a relationship. Your partner either will not be sure
what you’re driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you
mean. Give it to ‘em straight, and give it to ‘em cleanly.
Kate and Brett MCKay
