July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
Our movement may be one of a few days duration
and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me.
Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on
the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack
of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt
or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph
of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us
through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly
willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this
Government, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own
joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares
and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of
orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little
children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats
calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling
wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my
love of country?
I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm
summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them
enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that
Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my
country, and thee.
I have sought most closely and diligently, and
often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those
I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the
principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor
that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have
obeyed.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to
bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and
yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me
irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent
with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you
that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and
burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have
lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around
us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but
something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar
-- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah,
never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the
battlefield, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have
caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly
would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and
struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children
from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near
you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait
with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this
earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in
the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and
gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your
cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it
shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and
wait for thee, for we shall meet again.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have
done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to
remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among
the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in
your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two
mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you
there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Sullivan
Sullivan Ballou was killed one week later at the
battle of Bull Run. He was 31 years old at the time and his wife was 24.
Barry
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