To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for
bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings
account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope.
Please find attached an Application
Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing
field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my
new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2 .To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living
room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet
in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile
phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client, Widow and Pensioner,
XXX
No comments:
Post a Comment