Barry Clifford: The Elbib

Once upon a time a man suffering from terrible delusions told tall tales and made rules for a few that believed him. These guys handed down the strange stories to others and over several generations the reference book for the fairytales came to be known as The Elbib.’

It was claimed to be the last and final words from the original delusional one who was homophobic and racist among other things, and of course his equally delusional followers did not think that he was in this state of mind at all. He did not care much either for those with tattoos or had a propensity for fortune- tellers, and non-virgins before marriage were positively looked down and it was seen as a good thing just to stone them to death in this exact manner: ‘Then they shall bring out the woman to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones until she is dead.’

If you have had your private parts cut off by an angry wife or lose them in battle, you are not wanted in this tribe either: ‘He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his private member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation…’  

For the lippy children that curse their parents do not fare much better in this book either I am afraid, or at least they should be: ‘ And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”

Working on Sunday can be quite fatal as well: ‘Ye shall keep the Sabbath therefore for it is holy unto you. Every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death.’

And not following the rules, which also excludes ham sandwiches, sea food, can be very bad for your health, while speaking in church, consulting physics, getting divorced can also be positively detrimental for it too.

I do not know if just one person reading this is an Elbib thumper who is frustrated in life and too ugly to boot or has actually read it at all, but one thing I do know, that The Elbib book, which is the Bible spelled backwards, has only two facts going for it: that it is an entire work of fiction; the other fact is that all the above rules would frustrate the most benign and righteous among us.

One way or the other, you are damned if you do and definitely damned if you don’t.

Barry Clifford