1. Even if
convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, decline
further discussion, or dexterously turn the conversation, but do not
obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry…Many there are who,
giving their opinion, not as an opinion but as a law, will
defend their position by such phrases, as: “Well, if I were
president, or governor, I would,” — and while by the warmth of their argument
they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their own temper, they will
endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly competent to take charge of
the government of the nation.
2. Retain, if
you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it upon all occasions,
and, above all, do not endeavor to force others to agree with
you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you cannot
agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set you down as a bad
politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a gentleman.
3. Never
interrupt anyone who is speaking; it is quite rude to officiously supply a name
or date about which another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Another
gross breach of etiquette is to anticipate the point of a story which another
person is reciting, or to take it from his lips to finish it in your own
language. Some persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that
the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend
the matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not
consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced.
4. It is
ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from another
person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves
of a book, or in any other action show that you are tired of the speaker or his
subject.
5. In a general
conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, and never try by
raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air of
haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your conversation be always
amiable and frank, free from every affectation.
6. Never,
unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or profession in
society; to confine your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which
is your own specialty is low-bred and vulgar. Make the subject for conversation
suit the company in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at
times as much out of place as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your
conversation be grave or gay as suits the time or place.
7. In a
dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. You will
surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when
the speakers have lost their temper.
8. Never,
during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the attention wholly
upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a
group, and endeavor to draw him out of the circle of general conversation to
talk with you alone.
9. A man of
real intelligence and cultivated mind is generally modest. He may feel when in
everyday society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above those around
him; but he will not seek to make his companions feel their inferiority, nor
try to display this advantage over them. He will discuss with frank simplicity
the topics started by others, and endeavor to avoid starting such as they will
not feel inclined to discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and
deference to the feelings and opinions of others.
10. It is as
great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest and attention,
as it is to speak well. To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a
good talker, and it is in the character of listener that you can most readily
detect the man who is accustomed to good society.
11. Never
listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn from a group.
If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing them, you may, with
perfect propriety, change your seat.
12. Make your
own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent with the subject
under consideration, and avoid long speeches and tedious stories. If, however,
another, particularly an old man, tells a long story, or one that is not new to
you, listen respectfully until he has finished, before you speak again.
13. Speak of
yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues without forcing
you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to
expose your faults yourself.
14. If you
submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of folly and
self-conceit.
15. In speaking
of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. Speak of the merits of
each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting them
with the vices of another.
16. Avoid, in
conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A gentleman will never
calumniate or listen to calumny.
17. The
wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to engross entirely
the attention of the company in which he should take a more modest part.
18. Avoid set
phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a very piquant
addition to conversation, but when they become a constant habit, they are
exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste.
19. Avoid
pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity.
20. Speak your
own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great a stickler for
formal correctness of phrases.
21. Never
notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word or look such
errors in those around you is excessively ill-bred.
22. If you are
a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical terms. They are in
bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, however, you
unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit the still greater
error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you for thus implying their
ignorance.
23. In
conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with strict
attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. Above all, do
not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or blunders. If you
understand his language, say so when you first speak to him; this is not making
a display of your own knowledge, but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be
pleased to hear and speak his own language when in a strange country.
24. Be careful
in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will soon become known as
the “funny” man of the party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity
as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure and bad ridicule, and you
may feel sure that, for every person who laughs with you, two are laughing at
you, and for one who admires you, two will watch your antics with secret
contempt.
25. Avoid
boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at your command
is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy with
distinguished people. If their names occur naturally in the course of
conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly quoting, “my friend, Gov.
C,” or, “my intimate friend, the president,” is pompous and in bad taste.
26. While
refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or cold,
contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of others. It is in
excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation when pleasant,
bantering talk is going on around you. Join in pleasantly and forget your
graver thoughts for the time, and you will win more popularity than if you
chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gayety to grave discussions.
27. When thrown
into the society of literary people, do not question them about their works. To
speak in terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad taste; but you
may give pleasure, if, by a quotation from their writings, or a happy
reference to them, you prove that you have read and appreciated them.
28. It is
extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, to make
quotations in a foreign language.
29. To use
phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly.
30. If you find
you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to another subject or
keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would
never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bitterly repent when they
were once said.
31. “Never talk
of ropes to a man whose father was hanged” is a vulgar but popular proverb.
Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into personalities, and keep a
strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the skeleton in
your friend’s closet, but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it
as a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to a third party.
32. If you have
traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in such travel, do
not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tiresome than a
man who commences every phrase with, “When I was in Paris,” or, “In
Italy I saw…”
33. When asking
questions about persons who are not known to you, in a drawing-room, avoid
using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, “Who is that awkward, ugly
girl?” and be answered, “Sir, that is my daughter.”
34. Avoid
gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly despicable.
35. Do not
officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody will thank
you for it.
36. Avoid
flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, but flattery is
broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If you flatter your
superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish end; if you
flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking you have no other conversation.
37. A lady of sense will feel more
complimented if you converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than if
you address to her only the language of compliment. In the latter case she will
conclude that you consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you
cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain
person, who must be flattered into good humour.
