It’s one thing for parents to read reports of child sexual abuse in the newspapers.
It’s another thing entirely to realise your child may have been abused – and that you must sit down and talk to him or her about the ordeal.
Difficult and all as it may be, such a discussion will be even more demanding if the subject of sex or sex abuse is something that has never been mentioned in the family.
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Some parents find it extremely difficult to give their children basic information about their private parts or to talk about sexuality or sexual abuse, according to psychologist and university lecturer Dr Rosaleen McElvaney, who has worked in the area of sexual abuse for more than 20 years.
So now she’s written a book explaining how parents can talk to children, not only about sex and sexual abuse, but about other difficult life events such as bereavement, bullying and parental separation.
However, she says, sexual abuse is a topic many parents find particularly difficult to tackle.
“Parents become de-skilled in the face of anything to do with sexual abuse because of their own anxiety about getting it wrong or their own discomfort in talking about sex with children.
“They forget that they have the skill to do it,” says McElvaney. “There is no one way to talk with a child about sexual abuse. It depends on how you normally converse with your child and on how they talk about things.
“You have to tailor the conversation to your particular scenario.
“I put a lot of emphasis in the book on knowing yourself and knowing how you feel about something, on getting support for yourself through research and through talking about it with friends or partners before you have the conversation with the child.” It makes the process a little easier, she says, if children have already been given what she terms “the language for their private parts.”
“When I worked in Temple Street I’d ask parents what kind of words their children used for their private parts. In some families they’d say that they didn’t have any words – that they ‘didn’t talk about that’.
However, she warns, if such matters are never spoken of, a child who has endured sexual abuse would find their experience very difficult to discuss because they simply didn’t know such a thing even existed.
“They find it hard to make sense of it and very difficult to communicate, because if you cannot make sense of it, you won’t know what to say.
“Sometimes children may be in shock and numbed and not speak about it. They may freeze or not be able to talk or else they will act out or be very boisterous or rowdy.
“They’re trying to communicate that something’s wrong but they don’t know how to do it in a way they can be heard,” explains McElvaney who also worked in the public health service before becoming a lecturer at Dublin City University.
McElvaney recommends starting to talk about the issue of private parts and a child’s rights in relation to his or her body even before the playschool years – “start as early as you start having a conversation with the child,” she says.
“Very small children can talk about their own body; about the fact that it’s their own body, that nobody touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable or touches them in a ‘not nice’ way or in a way that makes them feel ‘yucky’.
With older children, she says, you discuss the fact that sexual abuse does happen, “that there are people who touch children in ways that are not ok.” “I would say to start talking about it as soon as you start talking with children at all.”
If you can start talking to a child from a very early age, she says, at least they will be aware that such things can happen.
“The whole thing is so strange and overwhelming that they cannot begin to talk about it.
“You have to get in there first and talk about it so that they know that when or if such a thing happens, they must come straight to you and talk about it.” She recommends reading the information leaflets available to parents from organisations such as the NSPCC in the UK, as well as the Irish Stay Safe guide.
Begin by setting up a family culture of discussing things, she advises – from chatting about tiffs with friends to interesting things that happened in school.
Create a culture early on where children feel they can ask you about things.
However, be warned, McElvaney adds – even if you do this, don’t complacently assume that your child will report a sexual abuse incident.
“This is a really difficult thing for children to tell, and people need to understand that and they don’t appreciate how difficult it is for children to talk about it.”
It’s difficult, not just because they may not be able to make sense of it, she says – children can also think they’re in some way to blame for what happened, and may be afraid to tell.
“They may also be afraid that they’ll get in trouble, or that the abuser – who may be someone they like – will get into trouble.
“An older child will know there will be trouble and won’t want to feel responsible for that.
“Older children may also be afraid that their parents will be upset and want to protect them.”
Be alert and observe behavioural changes she advises – a child who is outgoing suddenly not wanting to go out, or becoming more withdrawn and not wanting to go places or see people, children who are suddenly getting into trouble for the first time in school, having nightmares or becoming easily upset, irritated or experiencing tummy aches.
“These signs are not specific to sexual abuse but they indicate that something is not right in the child’s world,” she says.
There are no magic rules to handling the conversation, says McElvaney, other than thinking about it carefully beforehand.
If you’re uncomfortable at even the prospect of having such a talk, seek advice from other parents or from websites such as www.staysafe.ie
The same rules and principles apply to talking to children about other difficult topics such as bereavement or separation, she says.
She adds that, if, in the end, you believe somebody else would be better at talking to the child about the issue, it’s important to have this resolved before approaching the child, so that negative non-verbal messages are not communicated to them.
Parents find it difficult to talk to children about topics such as bereavement, but says, child psychotherapist and play therapist Ursula Somerville (MIAHIP) the first thing you need to do is find the age-appropriate language.
“The natural language of children is play – that’s how they integrate information,” she explains. Very often a child’s real concerns emerge through their creative work, she says, this can be a way into a discussion of difficult life events such as bereavement and parental separation. Be realistic too, she emphasises. “They need to be at the funeral and to be a part of it, and they need to experience other people’s grief so that it normalises it for them.
“They should see people crying at the funeral,” she says, adding that as a parent, allow them to express their thoughts in play – whether it is drawing or playing with miniature people, cars or animals for example.” Allow the play to take place without either interpreting it or interrupting the child, she advises, adding however, that in a case where the parent has had a severe loss, and is not available emotionally to hold the weight of their child’s loss, it may be a good idea to bring in a professional.
Áilín Quinlan
Finding the Words: Talking Children through the Tough Times by Dr Rosaleen McElvaney. Published by Veritas €12.99 paperback
TALK OPENLY AND DIRECTLY TO CHILDREN
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Some tips from the CARI Foundation, an organisation providing support to child sex abuse victims and their families:
• Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in age-appropriate terms. Talking openly and directly about sexuality teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions. xxx
• Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and express concerns about those body parts. xxx
• Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private. Let children know that other people should not be touching or looking at their private parts unless they need to touch them to provide care. If someone does need to touch them in those private areas, a parent or trusted caregiver should be there when it happens. Tell children that if someone tries to touch those private areas or wants to look at them, or if someone tries to show them his or her own private parts, they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. xxx
• Assure your child that it is okay to get help, even if someone he or she cares about might be upset or embarrassed. Do not try to put all this information into one big “talk” about sex. xxx
• Talking about sexuality and sexual abuse should be routine conversations. xxx
• Use everyday issues to begin conversations. Be involved in your child’s life.
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