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Friday, March 7, 2014

Barry Clifford: East versus West: Ireland And Russia In Major Showdown

Irish Times headline: Eamon Gilmore, Irish minister for Foreign Affairs, summons Russian ambassador, Maxim Peshtov, to meeting over Crimea.

Yes, it is hard to believe that Eamon Gilmore did this. I wondered what that meeting was really about. Did Eamon threaten to invade Russia if they did not pull back their troops from the Crimea, or use more milder threats like (yawn) targeted sanctions.

The official line by Eamon went like this: “I have strongly condemned Russia’s actions over the weekend and call on it to immediately withdraw troops to their barracks.” Or did the unofficial event really go something like this:

Ah, Mattie (Pet name for Maxim) will ya for fucks sake pull back the lads you have stationed in the crime area (adjusts his glasses) I mean the Crimea.”

Mattie was starting to nod off at this point for he had been down in Paddy’s pub near the Quays the night before until the wee hours off the morning, singing Dublin City In The Rare Ould Times until he could sing no more. This greatly irritates Eamon and only further inflames him. The official line was: “We will continue to monitor this situation very closely and we stand ready to implement further targeted measures as necessary.” That got old Mattie’s attention right well.

In perfect English with a Cork accent, Mattie leaned back and went on the offensive: “Now Eamon, what in God’s name are you getting your knickers in a bind for, and so close to St Patrick’s day and all. Sure, some of by best friends are Crimean’s along with a few Kerrymen.  And in the name of (more profanity) Jaysus  don’t stop exporting your sheep and cows now for there we be holy war for sure. Our country will go into meltdown if you do that and you can’t sort that lot out with a few loaves and fishes. Let’s be reasonable men together. What do you say, another drink.”

Pacified now and feeling on equal terms, Eamon cradles his cup of Vodka, and confesses a little secret to Mattie: “Well, Matt I didn’t know where the feckin Crimea was until your lads walked into it. Sure, we can give the official line which was written yesterday. What’s on the ould telly  you have there?”

It’s a new series. Quite good, very realistic and very entertaining; it’s called “House Of Cards.’ Your sitting on the remote Eamon."

By Barry Clifford